Lois books a fun couple’s vacation in the Bahamas, but much to Peter’s surprise, it turns out to be a marriage counseling program instead. Meanwhile, Carter watches the kids at home and becomes frustrated that they?re too into their electronics to play games the old-fashioned way. So he tries to fix it himself.
Peter befriends a group of mean girls after his feelings are hurt when his so-called friends decide to ?roast? him. Lois, all too familiar with the gossipy nature of women, tells Peter they are probably talking about him behind his back, and Peter soon discovers that Lois may be right.
After attending obedience school, Brian becomes much more submissive, and Peter realizes he misses his old, feistier pal. Meanwhile, Chris makes a new friend at school, but feels betrayed when he discovers it was all a ploy to get closer to Meg.
Peter, Quagmire, Joe and Cleveland form a neighborhood detective agency, and are stunned to discover that Chris is a thief. Meanwhile, Lois is worried about Chris? delusional relationship with his new girlfriend, but also sees it as an opportunity for Peter to copy Chris? romantic gestures.
In a drunken night of eating, Peter & Brian eat the Thanksgiving turkey so they are forced to go out in search of another bird. Meanwhile, in Peter’s absence, Chris decides to become the man of the house.
Peter and the Griffins get out of dodge and end up in Springfield, where they are greeted by a friendly stranger named “Homer Simpson”, who welcomes his new “albino” friends with open arms. The families get along famously: Stewie and Bart make out like bandits, when Stewie trades in his mind control device for a good old-fashioned slingshot; Lisa takes Meg under her wing and teaches her the saxophone; Marge and Lois ditch housework for a little bonding; and Peter and Homer fight over the best beer in town ? Pawtucket vs. Duff.
Chris builds a birdhouse, and Peter hangs it up, and they happily watch as lots of little birds move into it, until an falcon swoops down and eats them all. They are horrified.
That night, Peter reveals to the family that he has become a falconer, and introduces his falcon Xerxes.
He shows it to Quagmire, and Xerxes quickly attacks him. Peter says that Xerxes mainly eats rodents, and that’s probably why he was after Quagmire. Xerxes knocked him to the ground and dug into his pants, eager to get at the rodents that Quagmire was hiding. However, as he was screaming, the rodent escaped “out the front”, and fled from his mouth.
Inside the house, Xerxes lands on Stewie’s head, and he panics, asking Brian what to do. Brian says there’s nothing he can, and just hope he doesn’t stand on his soft spot. He does, and Stewie’s skull sinks in.
“Valentine’s Day: A day of love, right in the middle of Black History Month.”
We are treated to a very special Valentine’s Day intro, spoofing most generic romantic comedies, especially “Valentine’s Day”.
Lois suggests that she and Peter spend the whole day in bed because it is Valentine’s Day.
Meg tells Brian and Stewie that she has a date with a guy she met on the internet. Stewie gives some dating advice when the doorbell rings. The man, Toby, flatters Meg, saying she’s much prettier than her picture, and they head off.
The latest episode of “Family Guy” drove the joke home started earlier in the evening on “The Cleveland Show”?or came pretty close, if you get my meaning. Basically, “The Giggity Wife” was like a cross between “What Happens in Vegas” and the indie comedy “Humpday” with Quagmire waking up hitched to a skanky hooker and having to fake being gay to get out of it when the woman wanted to make a go of things.
Peter, of course, had a field day with all of this, laying on the insults fast and furious. Two of my faves include: “Your wife is a human toilet” (um, eew- especially given the visuals that went with it) and “I’ll bet she’s what happens if you put a Hooters girl in a microwave on high.” Not that the hilariously-dubbed Charmese was any easier on herself: “I got to check on a whistling sound” she told everyone at dinner, after confessing she couldn’t have kids because she’d “been stabbed in the vagina.” (!) Stay classy, “Family Guy.”
In no time, Quagmire was screaming to get out of the arrangement, especially after the least effective makeover montage in history. Some people just can’t be helped, and it wasn’t long before Quagmire was declaring himself “super-duper-double gay.” Alas, Charmese smelled a rat- or maybe just herself- and demanded proof in exchange for a divorce. So, naturally Quagmire turned to pal Peter for help.
The road to the Quagmire drunken marriage plot takes up the first act. Joe confiscates a Harvard dining hall ID, so he, Peter, and Quagmire go to Boston. After admiring Harvard’s campus-Peter recognizes the school not for its litany of leading alumni, but for Fred Grandy (Gopher from The Love Boat), Amy Brenneman, and Ted Kaczynski-stop in at a college bar, get bored, and then go to a strip club and get hammered. When they wake up in Quahog the next day, after a still drunk Peter tries to explain his drunk driving to Stewie, Quagmire discovers that he brought a hooker back with him, and that they’re married.