Gossip Girl kicked off its sixth and final season tonight by pummeling right through familiar territory (Serena is missing?! Must be a season premiere.) However, the show has made it clear with “Gone Maybe Gone” that with a shortened ten episode run for season 6, things will be shuffling along quickly. It was only episode one, and yet, we’ve already ruined a wedding, a friendship, a relationship, etc. There were diamonds and there was sex. Some sex was gross. Gossip Girl, the woman not the show, is just over it.
Dating 7th Heaven’s Matt Camden (Barry Watson), that’s where! OK, so his name is really Steven and he’s a wealthy businessman, not a reverend’s son, but S is in a serious relationship with him. Too bad he thinks her name is Sabrina and has no idea who she really is.
The episode was penned by Josh Schwartz and Stephanie Savage, the creators and executive producers of the show. Because both are intelligent and jocular human beings, the script for “Gone Maybe Gone” at least succeeded in recapturing some of the sparkle that has been missing for the past few years. There were in-jokes, knowing winks and sharp one-liners, with all of the characters generally behaving like sane and rational versions of themselves (except for Georgina, of course, since she has no sane and rational version of herself).
But even less believably: Bart and Lily have taken a yacht around the world in order to reverse their aging processes, while Rufus is now roomies with Ivy because nobody else will have her, everybody is sick of him and his jacked-up face, and because he’s the only person too dumb to even question why she is on this show. Oh, and Dan and Georgina are in Italy or something doing God knows what. Making coats out of puppies or angling after King Triton’s trident, presumably. Stealing little brothers for the Goblin King like they do.
Serena’s new love interest is 7th Heaven‘s Barry Watson, a.k.a. Steven Spence. He didn’t get to say much, but that was probably because he was too busy processing the lies “Sabrina”(Serena) told him. He looks like a stand-up guy who might actually love her, but it’s too soon to tell. So far he’s dull and the chemistry between him and Serena isn’t there.
Watch Gossip Girl – Gone Maybe Gone Online
Gossip Girl Season Premiere: Gone Maybe Gone
The shock factor of the show expired ages ago, though. The characters aren’t pretending to be limpid-eyed high-school innocents anymore: They’re all adults, and so their current sexcapades and business ventures are a lot less surprising than they were five years ago. Sure, there’s always something new to throw into the works—Blair’s pregnant! Dan is/isn’t the father of Georgina’s baby! Chuck’s father is dead/not dead/insane!—but with every new shock-plot, the show becomes more trite. By now, Gossip Girl is a hate-watch at best, the type of show that doesn’t even manage to hold up to the ill-used moniker “guilty pleasure” because there’s nothing pleasurable about it.
But the couple then make a very familiar-sounding deal to go their separate ways until they’ve achieved what they want in their careers and are at a suitable point in their lives to be together. This is old ground – which Gossip Girl has trod several times – and though their reunion after a summer apart is suitably sensual (and filled with ridiculously fun sex-puns like Blair being “good with tongues” or something), it’s hard to care.
Now that Lily is home and realizes that her only daughter is off the grid, she calls the police! Oh nope, she calls Nate. He did go to one class at Columbia, afterall. Nate gets a hold of Blair, who has spent her summer in Paris with Jean Pierre, the head of her mother’s fashion line and now her fashion line.
Seriously, though, Serena was OD’ing on some train just a few months prior. Then she vanished. This is the last season, and it’s clear the writers are revisiting some very much already-visited territory. How many times can Serena cheat death? Gossip Girl ichatted with silly Nate. “SVDW is dead.” Blake Lively wishes, right?
In the back of the infamous limo, Blair confronts Chuck with Dan’s view of their relationship being based on excuses. “I love you with all my heart and that is the reason I cannot take the chance of messing this up,” he explains. “When we’re together, you’re all I think about. It’s the boy that blames the girl, not the man. And that’s what I want to be with you.” He then pulls on her necklace, which reveals the engagement ring! “It won’t be much longer, I promise,” he tells her. (Anyone else kind of annoyed we didn’t get to see Chuck actually give Blair the ring?)
Next week: I really can’t tell. I’ve watched the trailer several times and I can’t put it together. Nate’s intern is a minor, somebody is attacked on the face by pantyhose, Dan’s hair continues to suck a quart of taints, and presumably Blair will stop at nothing to fuck up Serena’s day accidentally while Ivy continues to do whatever madness and Bart’s luggage face opens and closes with a creaking. Nine more episodes and you know what, I’m actually very excited.
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